Alice's Wonderland
by The Director 999
Summary: This is, in case you hadn't figured, a parody of sorts. A retelling, rather. Pip pip and all that. I will also be re-writing the first three chapters some time soon, because they are TERRIBLE! Read and Review, please!
1. Down and Out the Rabbit Hole

Down and Out the Rabbit Hole

Alice sat under the tree in her yard. Her teacher was referencing all of Alice's old lessons from years previous. She snuck off while her teacher was droning on about her lessons. Alice, however, was far from the Alice you must be used to. She was a moody girl, around 15, and very rude. She wore a long black dress, and attempted to stay in the shade, as the summer months were a very hot time.

Alice saw a small rabbit hop away while she was walking in the field. She started to follow the rabbit and fell nearby a large rabbit hole. She looked inside and soon fell down and down and down. Although instead of dying, as most people would from such a fall, Alice floated gently to the ground.

"How weird. This whole place seems a lot different from my home." She stepped along through the doors. "I don't think I'm in Kansas anymore." She said with nary a thought. "Then again, I don't think I ever was in Kansas." She continued along the hallway. Eventually, she found a bottle labeled 'DRINK ME'. She sniffed the bottle.

"I don't think so. That smells terrible!" The bottle that previously said 'DRINK ME' changed quickly to 'SMELL ME'. Alice looked at the bottle. "Crap." She quickly shrunk, not noticing the key located on the table. It slowly proceeded to fall on her as she shrunk. It hit Alice in the head with a loud 'Conk'.

Alice looked around after she came to. She saw a small cake that said 'EAT ME'. "I really don't have much choice, now, do I?"


	2. The pool of Queers

The Pool of Queers

Alice took a bite of the cake and rapidly grew to the point where she whacked her head against the ceiling. A large group of animals all ran around and started to laugh at her. She stomped most of them to death, while some still bounded around. She realized that her size allowed her to be able to punch or kick down the door that was now inaccessible.

Alice complied with her wit, and was welcomed to the sight of a large fan. It blew cold air on her, causing her to slowly shrink. She ran through the remains of the dying door and into the open field.

She eventually came across a large open field where animals raced across the land. "What the hell are you guys doing?" The animals ran away and attempted to hide themselves after seeing the dead animals. Alice walked around the island. "Well, there's not a lot left to do. I guess this story's over."


	3. A Cock Race and a Long Tail

A Cock-Race and a Long Tail

Alice continued to search for animals. She was quite dry by now. She pulled a box of cigarettes out of her back pocket and started to smoke. Then she coughed and hacked. "That's right, I don't smoke. This land is messing me up." Animals crowded around as she stomped it to the ground.

"She's wearing the wrong clothes! Get her!" The animals tore at her dress and replaced it with a long blue dress. She sighed.

"Well, I suppose this is more fitting. But the rest of my outfit most certainly doesn't fit." Alice hopped behind a large leaf and changed into blue stockings and a black hair-tie. She spun around and looked at her clothes. "Much better." She looked down again. "Where did this water come from?" She was mostly submerged in a pool of what looked like tears. It slowly carried her off to a small island far away.


	4. The Rabbit Acts Like a Total Dick

The Rabbit Acts Like a Total Dick

Alice walked through the woods. The small island seemed to be very unpopulated. She turned behind a tree, seeing the white rabbit from earlier. "Aha! There he is!" She ran after him, her shoes starting to hurt as they hit the rough dirt. She stopped running, unable to see the rabbit anymore. She took off her shoes, which had magically transformed into heels somehow, and began running in her bare stockings.

"My, my, this story is getting much more bizarre," she said to herself. "I do feel much less angry than I did before." She ran faster. "In fact, I'm starting to feel better about everything!" She finally smiled. "This is great! I love this wondrous land!"

She ran faster, slightly closing her eyes, and ran into a tree. "Dammit," she said before she lost consciousness.

~Some time later~

"Ann..." Alice heard a voice in her ear. "Ann... Wake up, dearie!" Alice came too moments later. It was the white rabbit, its face in hers.

"Oh God!" She sat up quickly. The white rabbit leapt back. "Where am I?"

"Little Ann, I was so worried, you were just lying here, it's unsafe to fall asleep in the forest."

"Ann?" Alice scratched her head.

"Yes, if you could please go to the house over there and retrieve the Duchess' gloves, I believe she left them on the table."

The rabbit turned and started hopping away before Alice could get another word in. She sighed. "Well, I suppose I should get the gloves, then." She walked off down the road. "This chapter is getting really long."

Minutes later, she arrived at the house that the rabbit had told her about. As Alice walked inside, she noticed the room ever-so-slowly getting smaller. "Oh no. It's not happening again, is it?" And it was.

Alice crashed through the roof of the building, unable to move, trapped by the walls where her legs stuck out of the house. The rabbit came back, frightened by the loud noise. "What is that?" he asked himself. As he saw the giant leg sticking out of the wall, he leapt up in fear. "Good heavens! Someone, anyone, stop this madness!"

All of the creatures of the forest started to throw small rocks at Alice. "Ow! Ow! That hurts!" She yelled at them. A small rock landed in her mouth, slowly changing into a cake. As she bit down, she started to change again, this time getting smaller. "Thank goodness, I was afraid I would be stuck there forever." She eventually got her legs un-stuck from the wall... but continued to shrink. "Okay, that's a little too small." She continued to shrink. "That's way too small, I'd like to grow now!" She continued to shrink. "How small can I get now?"


	5. You Took Advice From A Caterpillar?

"You Took Advice From a Caterpillar?"

Alice dragged her feet along the ground. "If I were normal size, I could've come this far in seconds. Instead of ten minutes." She sighed. "Oh well. Nothing else can go too wrong, I suppose." Alice had begun to think more positively of her situation. She thought that the new blue dress might have something to do with it, as if it were strung together by magical thread or something along those lines. But that was preposterous.

Alice walked further into the woods until she could no longer see the house. "How is it still daytime?" She asked herself. "It feels like I've been walking for much longer than a day." She closed her eyes, walking blindly down the dirt road. She eventually bumped into a mushroom, sneezing at first. "Nasty things..."

"Bite your tongue, this is my home." Alice leapt back.

"Who said that?" She asked.

There was a fairly large caterpillar sitting on top of the mushroom, smoking something that Alice had never seen before. "Hello there. Who might you be?"

"What is that you're smoking, it smells terrible."

"Does it matter?" Alice went silent. "And you haven't answered my question, either."

"Well I'm Alice Liddel."

"Are you really, now?"

"That's the name I was given when I was born."

"I'm not too sure about that."

"What do you mean?"

The caterpillar took another puff of his whatever-it-may-be. "The Alice that first came to our beautiful Wonderland was an emotionally disturbed girl. She wore all black and seemed to have a tenancy to be violent towards the creatures of the forest, not to mention doors."

Alice thought back to that moment. Caterpillar was right. "Well I haven't changed that much, have I?"

"I see a bright blue dress and blue and white stockings on you now, something that the old Alice would not even be caught dead wearing."

"Well that isn't my fault at all, the animals dressed me in this."

"The same animals that you tried to kill?" Alice was silent again.

"Well... I mean, I didn't..."

"And you seem kinder, as well."

"Well thank you, but I-"

"And what a polite girl you are, you, my dear, are no Alice."

"Where have I lost the right to change myself?"

"Wonderland changes people, dear girl, but seeing as you have shrunken down to my size, I see that you must already know this by now."

Alice's mouth hung open. She couldn't think of anything else to say back.

"As I thought." Caterpillar lit up again. "You probably want to get back to your regular size, don't you?"

"Yes, I would, walking as small as I am takes much too long."

"So you would rather be the same as you were before instead of being different?"

Alice bit her lip, shaking her head slowly. "Well I wouldn't put it like that, necessarily."

"Well that is how the Red Queen would, and if you don't do anything about it, then who knows what she will do to you."

Alice was extremely confused. "So should I change myself?"

"Do what you think is right, I don't have control over you." Alice sighed. "One side of this mushroom will make you grow larger, but the other side will make you grow smaller."

"Which side is which?"

"I haven't a clue."

"Then how will I know which side to eat from?"

"It's not wise to eat strange mushrooms, girl. Especially when you don't know exactly what it will do to you." Caterpillar disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

Alice sighed, taking a chunk off of the mushroom. "Well I certainly hope this is the right side."

And with that, Alice bit down.


End file.
